i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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