do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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