please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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