Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
sarcasm needs its own font
two words: eviction party
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
