hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
