More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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