You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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