Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just found puke in my bra..
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
