I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dignity is for republicans.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
