I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
