You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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