I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
