just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
