It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
