Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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