Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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