it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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