I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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