got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
