Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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