I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
