there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
