I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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