What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
