woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The feeling are messing with the penis
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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