she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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