i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
