she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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