Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
