Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
