I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
