Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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