he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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