Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
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