i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
