I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
