i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
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high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
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You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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