This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
