New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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