Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
