We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
