cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
