I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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