if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
