She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
