I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i think i have two assholes
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
