I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
