I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
