even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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