and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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