It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
