It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
