It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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