you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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