Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
