I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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