break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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