I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
