he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
